Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
