I am in a vortex of obligation.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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