Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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