It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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