Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
