why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize