when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I can't turn off my feet"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
