I saw his package. It spoke to me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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