i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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