Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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