bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
