i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
