I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Jerry, you need to find god
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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