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I accidentally had phone sex last night
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
