My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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