His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
