since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
