in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
