Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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