And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
