Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
