id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
