the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
