Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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