i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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