I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
