If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Randomize