She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
