my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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