I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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