The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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