i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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