38 yer olds are good kisserssss
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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