the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
