Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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