i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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