I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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