remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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