i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
