I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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