i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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