The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
