the condom got lost in my hair
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize