I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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