Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
