i dedicated my morning wood to you.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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