How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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