So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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