She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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