mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
