So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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