there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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