There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
