You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
