areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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