What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
