First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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