Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
