fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
