You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
