Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Your dad touched me again.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
