I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
