Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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